controldisaster

oh oh oh so much to say. none of it particularly interesting.

I've been being very consistent with going to the gym. I've FINALLY found the pattern that is effective in getting me there every day (well, 5 days a week). It feels good. I foresee a heightened confidence level and a more positive personal body image.

My first paper for Gilmore worries me. She really liked it. In a response to an email I had sent her regarding the book she referred to me as "the one with the great paper". It's not really fair because I have experience with the subject matter (gendering oneself). I've set the bar too high. She's going to be disappointed with everything else I write all semester long.
I have the book now though! I can do the readings! OH!! and it turns out that the position that she has filled (Gilmore that is) in coming to Scripps makes her the individual that Family is going to work with in regards to getting gender studies to be an approved major. (btw, unrelated, CMC is the only one of the Claremont colleges that doesn't honor a black studies major. irritating and slightly expected in accordance to their reputation/stereotype? yes.)

I'm behind already and I CANNOT let the happen. I have to work my ass off. Obviously I'm not doing too good of a job if I'm writing a livejournal entry at 1:am but holy christ, I’m an extremely inefficient person in life. (p.s., because I actually am writing this entry in word and am going to paste it into livejournal when I’m done, the computer wanted me to change christ to Christ. In fact, it did so automatically and I had to go back and make the “c” small because I want it small. I mean, I’m not actually referring to Jesus Christ…)

I feel really ignorant in my Black studies class sometimes. If I have a thought, I’ll voice it, then it’ll turn out that there’s some history behind the topic that I didn’t know about and I sound like a jack-ass. It’s not that fun. I want to excel in this class. I’m extremely interested in the topic (am actually considering the possibility of adding it as a minor) and want to prove myself. I think I feel the need to do this because I’m white. Actually I’m positive this is why by wish that I didn’t. It makes my heart hurt when I think a black person doesn’t like me because of something I’ve said or done that s/he’s decided is related to the fact that I’m white. Maybe this relates to my history, to the fact that I had to consciously realize that I wasn’t African American but I can’t help but think I’m just neurotic. I want to fight my way past my neurotic physical & mental behaviors towards racial issues.




I’m probably kind of a ridiculous person.

First of all, the two classes that I'll be taking that aren't math, the ones that I wanted to be no work at all, yeah they will definitly take work. Luckly, i LOVE THEM.

Gilmore's Intro to women's studies:
the class feels as if it will be focused on women's studies in the context of gender studies which is incredibly interesting to me. I feel irritated that I haven't been able to do the reading for the class because the book she's decided we'll start with hasn't hit the Huntley yet. Also, I don't think she checks her email on days that she's not at work cause I emailed her this morning regarding this book issue and she never replied. What am I supposed to do!? I hate the feeling that I'll be at class and for some reason EVERYONE will have done the reading (even though the book is unavailable) and it'll be real obvious I hadn't. I don't actually think that'll happen, but secretly, I totally do.

Basu's Intro to black studies:
INCREDIBLY ENGAGING! but my physical reaction to facing racial issues may become a problem in this class. I wish I could control the way my body reacts or at least understand why it does what it does so that I could try to learn how to not react in this way. I'm thinking of talking to Cherjanet about this problem but at the same time, I'm kind of embarrased about it. I also don't want it to be construed as some sort of over-reaction which it is but it's not intentional. I don't think Cherjanet remembers my reaction to the workshop last year where I kinda had a breakdown and was called out to explain myself in front of every one there. In some way that forced me to try to understand why what was happening was happening but also at the same time I don't think my reasoning and explaination were necessarily true because I wasn't given enought time to think it over.
We watched a documentary on Hurricane Katrina during the last hour or so of class. I knew that I didn't know as much about it as I should because I was actively avoiding that arena of knowledge. I think I simply didn't want to face it so I (far more easily than should be allowed) ignored it was happening. Watching the film was hard because of the images that were shown and I definitly shed some tears (far fewer than if I were alone and not fighting as hard as I could to keep them back) but that sounds kind of pitiful. ok, I shed some tears but this stuff is still a problem. my few tears don't mean fuck. what can I physically do? Hopefully something, but it's hard. and the further I am from class, the more time I'm away from that environment where we're discussing the issues, the less connected I am and the less likely I am to keep motivation high. I shouldn't need a class to be enraged enough about what's happening to people who need the help of the rest of the country to want to do something. How can I be sad and spend any time thinking about the fact that Steve Irwin died when people are dieing every day and these people aren't doing stupid ass things like playing with animals whose life styles surround around killing other animals. How can you fuck with something that has a sharp ass fucking ray and not expect to get peirced in the fucking heart. It sucks. ok. but there is so much else that should be expressed through the media that doesn't. FUCKING ASS!

A man saw a boat with the keys in it. He took it and rescued over 80 individuals. now he's being charged for stealing the boat.

Britain sent thousands of food suppliments, the kind they feed their own troops who are over seas, to Katrina victims, but our government said the food wasn't good enough, didn't meet certain standards and distroyed it all.

WHAT THE FUCK.

and what am I doing? nothing that's going to fucking make a difference. I should be studying my fucking ass off and taking advantage of this $42,000 a year education and not slackign off. I shoudl be involved in organizations that fight to rid this kind of oppression towards people of color. I should be going to the city, I should be going to these places and getting my hands dirty and puting myself out there and making a fuckign difference.

and I'm fucking writing in livejournal. I should have all A's and I should use my privage as an upper/mid class white individual to fucking influance change. I should face that which makes me uncomfortable and makes me question myself and my society. I should challange the system, challange myself.

and I'm fucking writing in livejournal.

Not a very good start to the week:

I was completely motivated to get to the gym and get myself into a habit of doing cardio work several times a week. I'm not even out the door of the dorm when Mary Rose tells me the gym's not open. It said it would open at 8am today! It's supposed to be the first day it's open! This had better not have an effect on my motivation.

I then read that Steve Irwin died. Although this doesn't have a very large effect on my life, it's still sad.

Plan for the day:
Now - 11:15 Work in Seal Court
11:15 Get lunch
11:30 - 1:00 Work with Rachel on Analysis
1:15 - 2:30 Analysis
2:45 - 5:30 Intro to Black Studies

etc. anyway. I should get started with my morning seeing as it was dramatically thrown off course.